I've Got a Son and I Can't Wait to Meet Him!

Yup, I'm pregnant with my first child. In fact, I'm a little over half way through, already.  Although it seems now, looking back, that it's been quick, it also feels like it has taken forever and there is still a long ways to go.  

I started out my pregnancy very skeptical that the pregnancy would continue, constantly expecting to miscarry. My sister had miscarried right at the very end of her first trimester, and it shook me and impacted me severely. Everyone we told about the pregnancy I kept stating things like, "hopefully the baby will survive..."   The doom and gloom comment often sort of deflated their excitement.  Thinking back, I'm sad that I was so pessimistic.  I just kept telling myself that if I prepared myself for losing the baby, it wouldn't hurt so bad when it would, inevitably (in my mind, at least), happen. 

Then, about 2 weeks ago I got to see my baby in it's first anatomy U/S.  The last time I'd seen the baby, it had been 9 weeks and still looked like a pupa. I still hadn't felt my baby moving and was becoming worried that he was missing a brain or something.  I tried to prepare myself for the worst, once again. BUT, before my eyes at my 19 week u/s, I was happily surprised to see my beautiful, HUMAN-looking baby BOY. And he was moving around like crazy.  He was rather camera shy.  He kept covering his face with his hands so that, at first, we couldn't get a good look. I joked with my husband that "he was praying already".

After finally getting to see my baby, I felt very different... for about a week. He looked healthy, normal, and he was finally very real to me.  The week after the U/S I also began to be able to feel him moving.  What a wonderful feeling.  Nothing else like it.  My mindset changed to one of, "I've got a SON.  I'm really a mom.  This baby is not just some figment of my imagination."  I rode one the happiness of those emotions/ realizations for that week.  

However by 21 weeks( now) my crippling fear came back, stronger than ever.  Now I find myself breaking down crying and terrified that this baby that I desire so much is going to be taken away from me.  Now that he feels real, and I know he is perfect-- I keep finding my mind convincing itself that God is going to take him away. 

Now I feel so helpless.  I worry that all his movement will cause him to strangle himself with his cord, that he will die of listeria infection, that my hiking will send me into preterm labor...  I even worried that my husband and I might accidentally snap the baby's neck during sex.  I just feel completely helpless.  Like I could do everything perfectly, but I still can't ensure that he will make it.  I just want to get through the pregnancy and have him out and in my arms.  

So--obviously-- I have some major trust issues with God.  I doubt His love for me and my baby and I doubt his ability to protect.  Who am I to think that he will be safer OUTSIDE the womb with me than inside the womb where God is the only one who can truly determine his fate?  

I seriously need to get a hold on this crippling fear and learn to trust God.

Confidence after being shattered.

The other day I was talking to my husband about how much I feel I have changed from when I was in high school-to-freshman/ sophomore in college.  I used to be very self-confident and outgoing. I had accomplished a lot with my life up to that point and felt almost invincible. When I went to college I quickly found out that all the things I thought I could to well, someone could do much, much better.  But, I still had my brain, I told myself, so I threw myself into school and tried to maintain straight A's. I was still a somebody, I convinced myself.  Then end of my sophomore year I began to struggle and no matter how hard I tried, my grades were starting to go down.  All of a sudden, I found myself feeling like I had nothing.  Thoughts of hopelessness and wishing I could die became a daily occurrence. I wasn't suicidal, I just wanted to sleep and never wake up.  All I had was God.  I new I had nothing left to be proud of or to stand on. Then, Junior year I got on medication that helped me to cope.  I graduated college and months later married my best friend and found a job as a nurse.  I thought, surely, now I would have purpose, meaning, and happiness. But marriage, and my job, only left me feeling more hopeless than before. I no longer had something to look forward to in the future to relieve my feelings of insignificance and emptiness. I gained 20lbs in spite of being more conscientious about my eating than ever. I felt ugly and frustrated.  My job made me feel stressed all the time.  My husband didn't meet all my emotional needs (not that he possibly ever could).  I loathed myself for being unhappy, because I knew, compared to others, I was extremely blessed. But it didn't matter how hard I tried or worked, I still found my self-confidence was gone. I felt like I was just a shell of who I used to be. 

Now I realize my problem is where my confidence was-- my abilities and my achievements,  what people thought of me and how I compared to others.  All my sources of confidence were depleted or proved inferior.  

Which brings me to now.  I'm trying to find my way to true, good, healthy confidence.  Confidence in God- a confidence that cannot be taken away by others or myself and my failures.

But though I know in my head where my confidence SHOULD be, I struggle with the practical steps of making it happen.

These are my baby steps/ attempts:

-putting up the scale

-walking every day

-praying every day

-eating healthy

-reading the bible

Even as I write this,  I don't even feel confident that I can do these simple things or that I will get any results.

So much for posting more often. That really hasn't happened obviously.

These passages have become very real this semester:


Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

Romans 8:24-39

For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.  And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,for those who are called according to his purpose.  For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.  And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

 What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?  Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies.  Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? 36 As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
    we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,  nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Ready, Set.... Stall.

Sometimes it's hard to get motivated.  Take, for instance, right now.  I'm sitting here trying to get myself motivated to tackle the things I need to accomplish.  This morning I told myself i would -- 1) do my Bible study homework, 2) fill out my work orientation homework, 3) deal with my paper clutter, and 4) try working out to our new exercise dvds.

Instead, this morning I got distracted planting vegetables and making an indoor garden upstairs in my art room. Tangent:  I did find out a good way to use up all the bad-tasting coffee grounds i had on my shelf in the kitchen, though.  Turns out, as I read online this morning, that you can use coffee grounds as fertilizer!  Cool right?  I totally am going to be doing that from now on. My husband had been trying to get me to throw away all the coffee I bought and decided later that I didn't like, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  Now I don't have to.  The only downside is that my art room smells like pumpkin spice coffee grounds now (f.y.i. WORST flavor of coffee ground ever.  Never buy them.  YUCK!)  I'm very excited.  I've been "propagating" plants. I now have planted garlic, cilantro, mushrooms, and green onions--all from items I bought at the grocery store.  I also have started a Christmas cactus from some stems a sweet lady I cared for at work gave me, a few days ago as a thank you gift.

I also vacuumed my downstairs floors and couches.

However, my 4 goals for the day?-- NOT done! and my day is over half gone!  Good start, right?  Wrong.

OKAY.  Well... enough procrastinating.

I am going to do what I need to do.  I am going to do it.  *I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...*

Or maybe I'll just listen to Adventures in Odyssey and clean the refrigerator and the bathrooms...

-Chrystianna

Dancing Alone... Finding a way to be happy anyway.

Expectations...


Every newly wed couple who has gone through pre-marital counselling is familiar with the big "expectations obstacles" they were warned they'd face.  Most, like me, probably didn't worry too much about it.

"But pastor, we don't have any expectations.  We're both pretty open-minded people."

Since getting married, I have had several moments of:

"Darn it, I guess I DO have expectations."

What's funny is that they are not what I pictured frustrated expectations being.  It wasn't how one folded the laundry, who did the cooking, or who did the chores.  Instead it has been multiple poignant moments of realizing many of my little daydreams will not ever come to fruition.

I always thought I was a realist.  Now I realize that I've been an in denial, hopeless romantic who has perfected the technique of constantly shooting down my own dreams and fantasies, subconsciously hoping that my realistic, pessimistic self-talk would be proved wrong by life.

A Snow White or Aurora scrubbing the well or strolling through the woods not expecting anything special, and then getting whisked off her feet unexpectedly by a second person joining her song and changing her mind about what is possible.

Last week, one more nail was driven into the coffin of my marriage expectations:

 I love to dance crazy and used to do it with my siblings often, while growing up.  We'd throw on some dub step or some other high bass and beat music and just go crazy.  I was well-known in my family for having no true talent or grace in the dancing department ( I OWN the awkward dance), but it didn't change the fact that I loved the feeling of getting down and letting it all out with my, more talented, siblings.  I guess I felt like my dancing was just another part of showing my real self.  And it was very intimate, because no one has seen me dance except my family.  If I'm dancing with someone it is because I feel safe and fully accepted.  Otherwise...I wouldn't chance it to dance it. It was such a freeing thing to just be one's ultimate self and still feel excepted. I always figured eventually my hubby and I would have dance parties of our own. He is not really the type you'd picture being into dancing like a crazy person, but then, most people don't picture me being into it either.  I figured, once we were comfortable enough, it would just happen and he'd be down.  Last week I learned that it wasn't the case. i had turned on some music. I asked him to dance.  He said he didn't care to, but I could dance and he'd watch. I thought about it, but the thought made me feel stupid and foolish. Like a kid. That was the nail. He will never dance like a crazy person with me, and when he said as much--I surprised myself.  I cried--big, baby tears.

I apologized through my tears.  I told him it was "No big deal. Probably my hormones. I'm being an emotional GIRL. Sorry, Honey."

It sounds dumb that this sort of thing would matter that much, even as I write about it. But, it really does. Darn those expectations.

Today I decided maybe I just need to learn to dance alone.  Maybe I will never crazy dance with my hubby without feeling stupid, but I can still crazy dance alone.  God can dance with me.

And that's the kicker.  Single or married, I still have the same voids. I'm still dancing alone, still singing alone, still walking alone, still feeling alone. My husband tells me and shows me he loves me every day, but he doesn't fill my voids. He doesn't fill my heart with joy like God did when I was single. I have found almost all my frustrated expectations end up coming down to me expecting my husband to be all knowing, all-accepting, or perfect like God. My husband doesn't hang on my every word, he doesn't care to hear about all my thoughts and feelings, and emotions--they would overwhelm him anyway. I'm a broken, strange, and overly serious human being. I still can't believe he felt I was worth marrying, because i think I must be a trip.

If other humans can't understand or fully accept my weird quirks, then I guess I still have to dance with my Maker. I have got to stop substituting my husband for God. He is not, and cannot be, everything that God is.  God should still be my first love. My go-to choice, not last choice.

I used to lean on Him all the time. He was my lover long before my husband finally noticed me. God is the only one who cares about all my thoughts, feelings, and my dreams.  He never tires of my repetitive "silly" struggles and listening to my worries--He will always listen with love. I don't have to walk alone. He can walk with me.  He says He loves me no matter what.  Nothing will separate me from His love--including my awkward dancing.

Current Assessment and Goals

Who am I?

• a new nurse working in a struggling LTC and Rehab facility experiencing very real pangs of ongoing burnout and stress.  
• a new wife who daily is reminded that her old struggles with low self-esteem and depression did not go away upon getting married. Days off of work feel like wading through thick fog and mud, waist deep. 
• a people-pleasing perfectionist who has almost given up on trying, thanks to her daily reminders that she can't do everything and be everything perfectly to everyone.

Where am I going?

• I don't know.  I used to know. Now I'm a woman who no longer knows what to look forward to and strive for in life.  I am aimless and feel purposeless.  
• I once had passion and vision - so what happened?  

Why am I?

For so many years, I had the goals and plans:
1) get my nursing degree,
2) get a job,
3) get married,
4) be financially stable,
5) have kids.
Then I'd surely feel fulfilled.

Now I have reached everything except the kids--yet I feel dissatisfied. A song I used to listen to in highschool by Michael Tate rings ominously in my ears now: "If I gain the whole world and lose my own soul, what would be said of me?  Oh the vanity, vanities... chasing the wind!"  Everything seems like vanity to me now. I'm always thirsting. Always looking for things to distract me from my thoughts and hopelessness--internet, tv shows, people, my husband.  But nothing is truly satisfying.

If I'm honest though, I know why I'm unhappy.  It's really simple.  It's because I had all my eggs invested in one basket--short-lived success in this world. Where were my goals for others? for God's kingdom?  Sure, worldly success/ accomplishment isn't sinful or bad in itself, but it does not bring true fulfillment or happiness.  If I had my hopes and dreams wrapped around the dreams and hopes of God, I'm sure I would find the well of water that does not run dry.  Eternal things, lasting things-- like people and their souls---that is where true purpose and fulfillment comes. I've known this--but I still don't live it. I've been investing in myself and my own pursuit of happiness.  I'm selfish. I'm a rebellious toddler who wants things her way and doesn't want to listen to her loving Father, who really does know better than she.

So this blog is to chronicle my small, clumsy baby steps towards true LIFE.  A new who, where, why and how that God will approve of and bless.  I know I can't just do it myself, though - I need God.

Who do I want to be?

1. A confident nurse, who loves her job and finds meaning in her work.
2. A wife who loves her husband unselfishly
3. A person invested in serving and loving others.
4. A good steward of my possessions, money, and time.
5. A mom who can look back on her pre-parenting years without regret that "I should have done more before having kids".
6. A woman of prayer who is close to God.

Where do I want to be?

1) in a small group.

2) wherever my husband is 

What are my goals, specifically?

1. Get to know neighbors.
2. Get to know church folks.
3. Save up to buy a home in cash
4. Have kids when it would be feasible to switch to part time.

Married, Working, and Still Reaching.

So much has happened.

1. I graduated.
2. Got engaged.
3. Got my RN License.
4. Married to my best friend. 
5. Moved to Georgia.
6. Started working as a nurse.

Marriage is great and I'm very blessed. Couldn't ask for anything better.  And yet, I'm longing for meaning and purpose.

What I've learned in the past few months:

• You can have everything you ever wanted and still feel like your life is meaningless. 
• You can be giving your best, getting verbal affirmation on a regular basis, and still, on the inside, feel like an utter failure or pretender.
• You can be a Christian and feel empty and depressed.
• Depression doesn't go away when life seems good.  Sometimes it gets worse.

The more I have, the more distance I put between me and God. 

Pull yourself up by the bootstraps.  Stop being lazy.  Pray.  Read your Bible.  Then you'll feel better.

But I can't seem to make it happen.  I just keep falling farther into my pit.