Single Unto God

"But I want you to be without care... There is a difference between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world—how she may please her husband. And this I say for your own profit, not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distraction." 1 Cor. 7:32-35

December of 2011. This month will forever be ingrained in my mind. Fall semester of Sophomore year I had come home with “All I Want for Christmas is You, Baby!” playing over and over in my head. My roommates and I had decorated our dorm room door with a Christmas tree and pictures of what we wanted for Christmas. One roommate had a picture of a truck, another roommate a surf board, another roommate a horse… I had a picture of a guy in a suit and sunglasses holding out a bouquet. Yup. I wanted to meet Mr Right. I had decided it was time. My silly, girlish mind had decided I had waited long enough, and, surely, God would see that I could now maturely handle it if Mr. Right came prancing into my life. I mean, my little sister was dating, surely it was my turn! So, home I returned with hopeful expectancy and prayers of a new sparked romance on my horizon.


What I actually got for Christmas, was quite different. Breaks are funny things. With less to do, I find I spend them doing much reflecting and thinking. This break God put a weight on my heart.


It’s hard to explain the communication of the Holy Spirit. For me, it has almost never been actual words, but rather a strong feeling or knowledge that comes to the consciousness and bombards/blockades all other thoughts until dealt with.


Upon arriving home, I began feeling an ominous feeling that God wanted me to commit to being single in college. Technically, this was not the first time I had experienced such prompting. I had been experiencing it since freshman year, but had managed to squelch it with reasoning that “Surely God wouldn’t ask ME to do something like that; besides, it doesn’t fit with my plans.” Such a prompting did not make sense to me.


When the promptings returned Christmas break of 2011, I tried to block out the unpleasant thoughts like before. I kept hoping they would go away like a bad dream—but they did not. Instead they just kept getting stronger. On a particular dark night in late December, the feelings were too weighty for me and I found myself up at a very late hour sitting on the floor in the laundry room of our home crying softly and arguing with God-- prayer journal and Bible in hand. I kept praying and whining things out loud to God like, “Why ME? Why are others allowed to date in college and yet You are asking me to commit to no boys or even possibilities of boys? It is not fair! I’ve never heard of You asking for vows of singleness of others in the past… God, I don’t want to be some nun or whatever. I want to get married. This is not at all what I planned. Surely this is all in my head. Surely You would not ask this much from me.” I knew, however, from previous experiences with God, that I would not have peace until I surrendered to His will and obeyed the Spirit’s prompting. So that night, with tears, I surrendered my hopes of marriage to God, and committed to give Him my undergraduate college years for singleness and devotion to Him alone. Finally, as soon as the vow left my lips, peace filled my heart.


Yes, this may seem strange to many people. How to express such spiritual promptings to others, especially such specific ones? My mom, upon hearing about my vow, thought I was too rash and foolish. My father, on the other hand, found the vow quite agreeable and had no qualms (Although, I don't know of many fathers that would be bothered by such vows by their daughters... He already joked constantly of me having to wait till 35 to even THINK about marriage).


To solace my mother, I tried to remind her that I only committed to singleness in college, truly a short period. I still had faith that God would have me marry some day, just maybe not in the same timeline that I had made for myself. Many are the plans in the heart of a man, but the will of the Lord, that shall stand.


For others reading this, they may be thinking that this seems like a small matter. So what? Singleness is common. Big deal.


The saying goes that "hindsight is 20/20." This is true for me. It has been nearly a year since my commitment, and I have found that it was the wisest choice I have ever made (outside of salvation). I finally am able to see that I had made my hopes and pursuit of marriage a god. My motivations for most of my character and actions stemmed from my trying to attract a gody guy, NOT simply because I loved God. Whenever I had time to myself, my thoughts always drifted to marriage and guys. HOW FOOLISH. WHAT A WASTE. My desire for a husband overwhelmed my desire of God. By giving up my pursuit of Mr Right, I broke the chains that had prevented me from truly falling in love with God and changing for Him. Choosing singleness, for me, was cutting off a limb that caused me to stumble. Choosing singleness, was my taking up my cross, denying myself and following God.


I realize that my situation and my "god" is unique to myself. What is a struggle for me is likely not a struggle for most. We each have our own gods that we must give up or cut off from our lives.


For another year and a half, I shall continue to enjoy this time of purposeful singleness and devotion to Christ. It’s sometimes a struggle, but I do not doubt or regret the commitment in the least. It has allowed me to learn to trust God. If He wants me to marry someday, HE will make it happen. Not me. I just need to keep doing what I know I am called to—right now that is studying to be a nurse and running full force in pursuit of knowing God more deeply and intimately than ever!