Last week was a major turning point for me.
I had been dealing with feeling disappointed in myself lately and in my recent loss of confidence.
I felt like I had let the past two-and-a-half years cause my confidence to wilt, and I had become a fearful, defeated mouse. Where had my confidence gone? Obviously God doesn't change, so the problem had to be with me, I was certain.
Well, the night before going to my last Oncology (cancer) clinical in Med-Surg, I found myself sitting in my car. My brain was overwhelmed with emotion that I desperately wanted to release, but I could not decide how I might express it. The mix of emotions, indeed, included fear, and a sense of ominous doom. I prayed, but I felt no power in my prayers, no peace. I had already tried to cry--but no tears would come. I commented to the Lord that "A rapture, right now, would be very welcome."
I sat in silence. Bitterness began to fill my heart that I was unable to even feel relief this night, when I tried to turn to God and pray. What's wrong with me? I sensed something was missing in my prayer...maybe, sincerity?
How stupid, Chrystianna, you are unable to even adequately verbalize your emotions to God. You can't even pray right. All I felt was my utter frustration at myself, my lack of faith, my fear.
Then, out of desperation, I just SCREAMED.
I let the sound hang in the air of my car. I knew no one could hear me--and it felt... AMAZING! Finally, I FEEL something, I thought. It was a good feeling. I never get to yell or scream here, at school. God wants me to be real with Him. WELL, MAYBE I need to have a good scream...
SO, I yelled as loud as I could:
"GOD, I'M ANGRY!
I'M MAD AT MYSELF!
I HATE FEELING LIKE A FEARFUL MOUSE.
I WANT TO BE A LION!
I WANT TO TRUST, YOU, GOD!
I WANT TO LEAN INTO YOUR STRENGTH, BECAUSE I HAVE NONE!
WHERE IS MY FAITH? I FEEL SO PATHETIC, GOD! I HAVE FAILED YOU, UTTERLY!"
Then I pictured Satan grinning at my cowardliness, my feeling of hopelessness, and my lack of trust.
"I'M MAD AT SATAN!
HOW DARE HE TRY TO CONVINCE ME THAT THESE STRUGGLES ARE TOO BIG!
"SHUT UP, SATAN!
I KNOW I'M A NOBODY! YOU DON'T NEED TO KEEP TELLING ME. I KNOW HOW BLACK MY SINS ARE AND HOW UGLY MY PAST IS. I'M BROKEN. I'M WILTED. I KNOW WHO I AM. AREN'T YOU JUST GRINNING AT THIS CRUMPLED MESS YOU'VE CREATED? I HATE YOUR GRIN!"
I paused to sort through my rambled shoutings. Maybe this, was, indeed, a time to acknowledge the Spiritual warfare.
"SHUT UP SATAN! TOO OFTEN YOU FRIGHTEN ME, DEFEAT ME! HOWEVER, REGARDLESS OF MY FEELINGS, THIS IS WHAT I KNOW:
"MY GOD HAS COVERED ME. JESUS SAW ME WRITHING IN MY BLOOD AND FILTHINESS, AND CHOSE TO RAISE ME UP, CLEAN ME OFF, AND REDEEM ME. MY GOD IS STRONG AND HE CHOSE TO SAVE ME!
"WHY? I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA! BUT I KNOW THAT HE DID, WHETHER IT MAKES SENSE OR NOT!
"MY GOD SAYS THAT HE NO LONGER CONDEMNS ME, BUT NOW HE SEES JESUS' BLOOD AND I AM NOW BOUGHT AND JUSTIFIED. HE SAYS I AM NOW QUALIFIED TO APPROACH HIS THRONE.
"THIS IS WHAT I KNOW: GOD SAYS HE LOVES ME WITH AN EVERLASTING LOVE! GOD SAYS HE LOVES ME! THAT'S STINKIN' AMAZING!
"NOT ONLY THAT, SATAN, GOD PROMISES TO COMFORT ALL MY WASTE PLACES AND RESTORE THE FIELDS THAT THE LOCUSTS HAVE EATEN. GOD SAYS HE WILL SANCTIFY AND WASH ME AND PRESENT ME WITHOUT SPOT!
"SO WHAT, THAT I DON'T LIKE TO SPEAK IN FRONT OF PEOPLE-- AND, YET, GOD CALLED ME TO SPEAK IN FRONT OF PEOPLE? SO WHAT THAT I HAVE TROUBLE FOCUSING AND HAVE TO WORK HARDER TO DO WELL IN SCHOOL--AND, YET, GOD CALLED ME TO STUDY NURSING? GOD ISN'T STUPID.
"YES, I FEEL INADEQUATE IN JUST ABOUT EVERY AREA-- BUT MY GOD SAYS HE CHOOSES THE WEAK THINGS, THE DESPISED THINGS, THE THINGS THAT ARE NOT.
"Yes, Satan, I am quite aware of how pathetic I am, how weak I am, how much of a freak I am...
BUT, I'm gonna *in my best pentecostal preacher voice* GLORY in my infirmities! BECAUSE IN THESE, MY MANY, MANY WEAKNESSES and INADEQUACIES, I'm a PERFECT VESSEL to DEMONSTRATE JUST HOW STRONG AND TRUSTWORTHY MY GOD IS!
"SO KEEP TALKIN' OR SHUT UP, SATAN! MY GOD IS SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL THAN YOU AND HE IS GOING TO USE ME, IN SPITE OF WHATEVER YOU THROW AT ME!
"I'M SO DONE WITH THIS FEAR! IT IS USELESS! MY GOD is COMPLETELY TRUSTWORTHY and HE WILL BE FAITHFUL--EVEN WHEN I'M NOT."
In the loudest voice I could muster:
"I LOVE YOU, GOD! I'M GONNA CHOOSE TO TRUST YOU!"
Who knew how therapeutic a "scream session" could be?
Ps. 37:1-3
The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?
2 When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.
3 Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.
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