I
should be writing papers and cramming for tests right now instead of blogging!
HOWEVER, I am going to write because I feel like it, and I need to just vent.
Happy
belated, by—like—over a month, Singleness Awareness Day. I meant to blog about how nice Valentines was,
and all that jazz, but life got busy and I forgot.
I
have been thinking a lot recently.
Mostly about school, papers, clinical, and other unexciting stuff like
that, but also some Spiritual and character areas.
God
has been showing me a lot this semester.
I have learned many things about myself. Mainly they are areas that I
need to FIX. I shall ONLY share two of them because I tend to overwrite anyway, and I could probably write a book if I covered them all. Let’s
start with problem #1:
I’ll
share a little secret…
I
am actually a very lazy person.
…
…
Phew. Glad to get THAT off my chest!
Once
upon a time—like last week—I would have been incredulous if anyone applied the
term “lazy” to myself. But then God
did. BURN. That got my attention. I mean, seriously?
I
like to stay “busy” all the time. My
co-workers and supervisors would probably be surprised by my disclosure. I am sort of the “Go-go-go” energizer bunny at
work. I HAVE to stay busy! You see, there are certain things that drive
me nuts! They are standing still… or
going slow… or waiting…because then my mind gets bored, and I feel very, very
uncomfortable and insecure, and well—useless. This may not be a bad quality at work—but this
is how I live my LIFE.
How
is this lazy behavior, you might be wondering?
This
semester, God has brought to my attention that I’m sort of a “Martha-busywork-er”. I try to fill my mind and life with so much
busyness that I can be lazy in the areas that actually matter. I focus so much on lists and “measurable” action,
and tend to let the “unseen” areas fall out of my mind.
I
don’t know about YOUR mind, but MY mind tends to act like a sponge. My sponge can only hold so much before I have
to start pushing stuff out to fit new stuff in.
This is why I believe finals are always such a traumatic experience. Scene:
*Chrystianna opens her notes to the beginning of semester to study for a
cumulative final exam and makes an expression of panic* “Did we REALLY cover all of this?! I don’t remember any of it! Oh boy.” *CRAM, CRAM,CRAM…*
With
classwork, I find the sponge is annoying and inconvenient. In life, however, I maximize on it and use it
for my advantage.
I
use busyness and activity to fill up my sponge so that I do not have to think
about or deal with the areas that I do not want to deal with or am afraid of
dealing with because they will make me feel uncomfortable. When there is no
room, there is no room—sorry! It’s
great! Whether the problem is getting
right with God or getting asked on an uncomfortable breakfast date—easy answers
abound: “Oh bummer, I have SO much
STUDYING to do! Sorry, love to, but can’t…”
“Or sorry, I actually need to deal with this other problem right now”. It’s not that studying, or accomplishing
other tasks is wrong, but, usually, there is always a BEST choice, and that’s
often the one that I try to avoid at all costs, because it’s usually the most
uncomfortable!
I
guess, it’s sort of like my life is a series of NCLEX questions. (*NCLEX is the nursing board licensure test
that we take after we graduate from nursing school.) Basically NCLEX style questioning is “ALL
answers may be CORRECT, but pick the BEST answer to get the question RIGHT.”
My
life in NCLEX (More than one answer may be CORRECT but choose the BEST one):
Question:
It’s Saturday. Med-Surg test is on
Monday. Room looks decent, but could be
better. I first choose to:
a) Study for Med-Surg test.
b) Clean my room, do laundry, and disinfect all of my
shoes (Hey, they were getting stinky.
They NEEDED it…).
Answer:
a. Although cleaning, laundry and disinfecting are important, studying equals the
priority and BEST answer. Which do I
pick? b.
Question:
It’s Monday. Medsurg test in 2
hours. My first priority is:
a) Skip devos. Cram!
b) Do 5 minute devos. Beg God for forgiveness. CRAM.
c) Do normal devos—and study with whatever time I have
left.
d) Pray for mercy for next 2 hours and a MIRACLE.
Obviously it’s too late to make a dent in my studies.
Answer:
c. I sinned and got myself into the mess. God and I had an appointment and I
need to honor it. Which do I usually
pick? Hmmn… answer varies on this
one. I’m SUCH a SINNER.
Question: One
of the guys you have kinda liked a really long time, but have not given any
major hints to (because you are sworn to be single till you graduate and don’t
want to mess things up), comes over to purposefully talk to you while you are stocking napkins at
work, and just as he is about to say something MORE *oh rapture!* than just “How’s
it going?”, three girls come up and surround him. You wait for a few minutes while you continue
stocking napkins, but it looks like he’s stuck. Conversation is ended. Opportunity gone. You:
a) Stay standing there and butt back into the conversation.
b) Accept defeat and get back to work. Pin the plastic smile on your face and grumble
in your heart about your frustrations.
Oh the trials we go through…
c) As soon as possible, call a friend or your mom to talk
out all your frustrations.
d) Finish restocking napkins and move on. Tell God about it. Why are you thinking about guys anyway??? You made a commitment, girl. Trust God and stop
worrying about it—obviously it was for the best. You should be SOBER-minded,
DUH!
Answer: Correct answer is d. Of course, IF this had
ACTUALLY happened, I would have LIKELY picked b. Although, c. is another favorite response.
Question: You
know you need to repent about something God has brought to your attention. You:
a) Start studying for your test next month. It’s important! Besides, I need to stop procrastinating all
the time, right? No time for negative
thoughts or talking with God.
b) Start worrying about the end of the world, your
roommate’s puppy, Sam, that sneezed yesterday and might be sick, and your fears
that God will call you to a lifetime of celibacy against your will… Oh the
trials we go through! What was it You were saying, God? My mind is too busy to worry about THAT right
now!
c) Decide it’s time to make goody bags for EVERYBODY
in your prayer group with an encouraging message, so that you will feel better
about yourself. Sorry God, I’m too busy
SERVING You for my own means to spend any time with You!
d) Repent right away. Deal with the problem, and spend
the time necessary to get right with God before moving on to other things.
e) Decide to blog about your problem of laziness. I’ll talk to YOU about it LATER, God.
Answer:
Correct answer is d.
Like
Martha, in the Bible, I’m so busy filling my time with activity that I miss out
on some of the most important and valuable experiences. I proverbially “miss the forest for the trees”. I find myself dealing with everything but the
root of the issue or the problem.
Martha’s
NCLEX question probably looked a lot like this:
Question: You
are Martha. Jesus and 13 other men
(adding Lazarus) just showed up at your house unannounced. You know that Jesus is very wise and important
and you feel inadequate to face Him, because, every time you talk to Him, He
reveals things in your life that challenge your comfort zones and involve
change. Your sister, Mary, is sitting at His feet listening to Him and doesn’t
seem to care that His perfection reveals her imperfections. Jesus knows about her sins. She used to be a prostitute. EVERYBODY knows
what she was like before. You wish you could be real with Jesus like your little
sister, but you are afraid of what He’ll think when He sees the REAL you. You like ignoring your flaws and keeping up
your image of control and order. You
choose to:
a)
Hide yourself in the kitchen and work really hard. Appearances are everything. Jesus won’t catch me being a slacker. Maybe He’ll praise me for being so diligent
and serving them so well.
b) Rebuke my sister’s sin of laziness. Surely Jesus
will agree that house work and service are more important than chatter. Besides, she’s a woman. It’s not her place to be with the men.
c) Get over your pride, join Mary, and face Jesus and
listen. I’m not fooling Jesus by avoiding
Him. Besides, His words are priority.
Dishes can be done later, when the men are gone.
d) Both a. and b.
Answer:
Jesus said that the answer was c.
Martha, just as I would have probably done, chose d.
Yes,
the laziness I’m talking about is not defined by activity level. Rather it is
rooted in whether the real problems are being dealt with when they should be.
With THAT definition, I am a very lazy person.
I keep choosing mindless, measurable, busywork or outlets instead of
just DOING what I know I should.
A
lazy, busy, person am I.
SOMEONE
must change. It cannot be God. SO, it MUST be ME.
In
the words of many *blessed* Pastors *20 minutes into the message*: “THAT was my
introduction. Now for my FIRST point...”
Haha. Just kidding. Kinda.
The
OTHER lesson (it’s shorter—I PROMISE) that I’ve been learning and will
share is:
After
reading Kevin Leman’s The Birth Order Book for a class. I found
out I’m a severe perfectionist. I also found out that perfectionism is not healthy,
which I found a tad surprising. Why is
unhealthy?
Basically,
I am not perfect, I’m never going to be perfect, and that SHOULD BE OKAY. When I expect myself to perform perfectly, I’m
raising my expectations higher than even God’s expectations. Such expectations are impossible to achieve
until I am DEAD (Which explains why I have gone through so many “COME LORD JESUS”
moments, recently, simply because I’m sick of failing all the time). I focus too much on outcomes and results,
instead of the effort. So, when I mess
up or do not achieve the goals I set, I feel like a failure, internalize it,
and beat myself up about it.
Instead of making my focus BEING THE BEST, my
focus should be GIVING MY BEST, and being content with whatever results. Perfectionism is usually prideful, depressing
and joyless. God only asks us to give our best and trust Him with the
results. He promises to meet our needs. He does not promise to make us win all the
time, if we follow a specific system.
Example:
“Prayed and fasted all week [check], read 20 chapters of Bible [check],
memorized all 50 pages of notes [check], abstained from all meat this week to
demonstrate to God how serious I am about winning [check].” –FYI, this is
definitely an exaggeration. I’ve never
done all of this except the meat part.
Although if I was actually capable of it, I wouldn’t put it past my
pharisaical self, if I thought it would mean getting what I wanted all the time.
There
is no formula, or special prayer that will allow us to always get what we want
from God. I could work my butt off
studying for a test and still make a C if God wanted to get my attention (Not
that I ever had that happen or anything…).
Effort and completed task lists do not guarantee A’s. God is still sovereign and His plans aren’t
always ours. When we get focused on the
results more than simply God’s will and our effort quality, then God might have
to throw a curveball at us to wake us up to our NEED for Him (Once again, not
that I’m speaking from experience or anything).
He DOESN’T ask us to be perfect.
If it were possible to be perfect and never make mistakes, we wouldn’t
need God.
Man
I’m too verbose!
I
just needed to purge these thoughts for a few minutes.
Alright. Now I’ll go get to work writing the papers I
need to write… Maybe after I repent of being lazy, or maybe I’ll go call my grandparents,
or maybe I should get the vacuum…
I’m
a work in progress… Give me a break. =/
—Chrystiannna
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