Current Assessment and Goals

Who am I?

• a new nurse working in a struggling LTC and Rehab facility experiencing very real pangs of ongoing burnout and stress.  
• a new wife who daily is reminded that her old struggles with low self-esteem and depression did not go away upon getting married. Days off of work feel like wading through thick fog and mud, waist deep. 
• a people-pleasing perfectionist who has almost given up on trying, thanks to her daily reminders that she can't do everything and be everything perfectly to everyone.

Where am I going?

• I don't know.  I used to know. Now I'm a woman who no longer knows what to look forward to and strive for in life.  I am aimless and feel purposeless.  
• I once had passion and vision - so what happened?  

Why am I?

For so many years, I had the goals and plans:
1) get my nursing degree,
2) get a job,
3) get married,
4) be financially stable,
5) have kids.
Then I'd surely feel fulfilled.

Now I have reached everything except the kids--yet I feel dissatisfied. A song I used to listen to in highschool by Michael Tate rings ominously in my ears now: "If I gain the whole world and lose my own soul, what would be said of me?  Oh the vanity, vanities... chasing the wind!"  Everything seems like vanity to me now. I'm always thirsting. Always looking for things to distract me from my thoughts and hopelessness--internet, tv shows, people, my husband.  But nothing is truly satisfying.

If I'm honest though, I know why I'm unhappy.  It's really simple.  It's because I had all my eggs invested in one basket--short-lived success in this world. Where were my goals for others? for God's kingdom?  Sure, worldly success/ accomplishment isn't sinful or bad in itself, but it does not bring true fulfillment or happiness.  If I had my hopes and dreams wrapped around the dreams and hopes of God, I'm sure I would find the well of water that does not run dry.  Eternal things, lasting things-- like people and their souls---that is where true purpose and fulfillment comes. I've known this--but I still don't live it. I've been investing in myself and my own pursuit of happiness.  I'm selfish. I'm a rebellious toddler who wants things her way and doesn't want to listen to her loving Father, who really does know better than she.

So this blog is to chronicle my small, clumsy baby steps towards true LIFE.  A new who, where, why and how that God will approve of and bless.  I know I can't just do it myself, though - I need God.

Who do I want to be?

1. A confident nurse, who loves her job and finds meaning in her work.
2. A wife who loves her husband unselfishly
3. A person invested in serving and loving others.
4. A good steward of my possessions, money, and time.
5. A mom who can look back on her pre-parenting years without regret that "I should have done more before having kids".
6. A woman of prayer who is close to God.

Where do I want to be?

1) in a small group.

2) wherever my husband is 

What are my goals, specifically?

1. Get to know neighbors.
2. Get to know church folks.
3. Save up to buy a home in cash
4. Have kids when it would be feasible to switch to part time.