The other day I was talking to my husband about how much I feel I have changed from when I was in high school-to-freshman/ sophomore in college. I used to be very self-confident and outgoing. I had accomplished a lot with my life up to that point and felt almost invincible. When I went to college I quickly found out that all the things I thought I could to well, someone could do much, much better. But, I still had my brain, I told myself, so I threw myself into school and tried to maintain straight A's. I was still a somebody, I convinced myself. Then end of my sophomore year I began to struggle and no matter how hard I tried, my grades were starting to go down. All of a sudden, I found myself feeling like I had nothing. Thoughts of hopelessness and wishing I could die became a daily occurrence. I wasn't suicidal, I just wanted to sleep and never wake up. All I had was God. I new I had nothing left to be proud of or to stand on. Then, Junior year I got on medication that helped me to cope. I graduated college and months later married my best friend and found a job as a nurse. I thought, surely, now I would have purpose, meaning, and happiness. But marriage, and my job, only left me feeling more hopeless than before. I no longer had something to look forward to in the future to relieve my feelings of insignificance and emptiness. I gained 20lbs in spite of being more conscientious about my eating than ever. I felt ugly and frustrated. My job made me feel stressed all the time. My husband didn't meet all my emotional needs (not that he possibly ever could). I loathed myself for being unhappy, because I knew, compared to others, I was extremely blessed. But it didn't matter how hard I tried or worked, I still found my self-confidence was gone. I felt like I was just a shell of who I used to be.
Now I realize my problem is where my confidence was-- my abilities and my achievements, what people thought of me and how I compared to others. All my sources of confidence were depleted or proved inferior.
Which brings me to now. I'm trying to find my way to true, good, healthy confidence. Confidence in God- a confidence that cannot be taken away by others or myself and my failures.
But though I know in my head where my confidence SHOULD be, I struggle with the practical steps of making it happen.
These are my baby steps/ attempts:
-putting up the scale
-walking every day
-praying every day
-eating healthy
-reading the bible
Even as I write this, I don't even feel confident that I can do these simple things or that I will get any results.
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