I've Got a Son and I Can't Wait to Meet Him!

Yup, I'm pregnant with my first child. In fact, I'm a little over half way through, already.  Although it seems now, looking back, that it's been quick, it also feels like it has taken forever and there is still a long ways to go.  

I started out my pregnancy very skeptical that the pregnancy would continue, constantly expecting to miscarry. My sister had miscarried right at the very end of her first trimester, and it shook me and impacted me severely. Everyone we told about the pregnancy I kept stating things like, "hopefully the baby will survive..."   The doom and gloom comment often sort of deflated their excitement.  Thinking back, I'm sad that I was so pessimistic.  I just kept telling myself that if I prepared myself for losing the baby, it wouldn't hurt so bad when it would, inevitably (in my mind, at least), happen. 

Then, about 2 weeks ago I got to see my baby in it's first anatomy U/S.  The last time I'd seen the baby, it had been 9 weeks and still looked like a pupa. I still hadn't felt my baby moving and was becoming worried that he was missing a brain or something.  I tried to prepare myself for the worst, once again. BUT, before my eyes at my 19 week u/s, I was happily surprised to see my beautiful, HUMAN-looking baby BOY. And he was moving around like crazy.  He was rather camera shy.  He kept covering his face with his hands so that, at first, we couldn't get a good look. I joked with my husband that "he was praying already".

After finally getting to see my baby, I felt very different... for about a week. He looked healthy, normal, and he was finally very real to me.  The week after the U/S I also began to be able to feel him moving.  What a wonderful feeling.  Nothing else like it.  My mindset changed to one of, "I've got a SON.  I'm really a mom.  This baby is not just some figment of my imagination."  I rode one the happiness of those emotions/ realizations for that week.  

However by 21 weeks( now) my crippling fear came back, stronger than ever.  Now I find myself breaking down crying and terrified that this baby that I desire so much is going to be taken away from me.  Now that he feels real, and I know he is perfect-- I keep finding my mind convincing itself that God is going to take him away. 

Now I feel so helpless.  I worry that all his movement will cause him to strangle himself with his cord, that he will die of listeria infection, that my hiking will send me into preterm labor...  I even worried that my husband and I might accidentally snap the baby's neck during sex.  I just feel completely helpless.  Like I could do everything perfectly, but I still can't ensure that he will make it.  I just want to get through the pregnancy and have him out and in my arms.  

So--obviously-- I have some major trust issues with God.  I doubt His love for me and my baby and I doubt his ability to protect.  Who am I to think that he will be safer OUTSIDE the womb with me than inside the womb where God is the only one who can truly determine his fate?  

I seriously need to get a hold on this crippling fear and learn to trust God.