Some people have to learn the hard way...

It is hard to put into words everything that God has been trying to teach me this semester. Impossible really. He has really been growing my faith.

These passages have taken on newer and deeper meaning as I have been walking through this semester. The beginning of this semester, right before I started my clinical rotation in critical care, God gave me these verses:

Isaiah 43:1-3

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“FEAR NOT, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, YOU ARE MINE.
WHEN you pass through the waters, I WILL be with you;
and through the rivers, they SHALL NOT overwhelm you;
WHEN you walk through fire you SHALL NOT be burned,
and the flame SHALL NOT consume you.
For I am the Lord YOUR God,
the Holy One of Israel, YOUR Savior."

I had really been becoming fearful of starting in the intensive care unit and had this feeling of ominous doom clouding my heart. I had read the above passage before—previously I had found comfort in its promises of not being overwhelmed, or consumed. However, this time I noticed the word “when”. God didn’t say “if”. God said “when”.

Maybe the fact that I found comfort in it seems strange, but if the conversation in my head were put into words, it would have been like THIS:

Me: Oh God, I’m afraid that I’m going to struggle through this semester. I’m afraid that I will not know enough. I’m afraid that this will be too much for me to handle, and I am going to fail.

God: Chrystianna, let ME answer those fearful thoughts. Your fears are correct. You WILL be put in situations that ARE too much for YOU to handle. YOU DON’T know enough to handle this semester’s clinical rotation in the ICU on your own. This semester, you WILL pass through waters that are over your head, fire that can burn, rivers capable of consuming. What you fear is real and true. This semester, by all logic, will be too much for YOU to handle.

Me: Oh God, then why did you call me to this impossible task, if I’m just going to fail?!!! I’m just a weak, feeble human. Before I started nursing school, I thought I was smart, and good at stuff. In fact, I thought my smarts were maybe why you chose me for this. HOWEVER, nursing school has taken away all my confidence. I feel more acutely aware of my ability to fail and mess up than ever before. There are so many people that are better suited to this. There are so many people that are smarter, less klutzy, and less fearful than me. I have so many shortcomings and failures, Father. Why would you call me to this profession, when there are others that are more naturally suited to this? I know you are God, so you don’t make mistakes. But does this mean I am purposed to be one of those “vessels for dishonorable use” or something? I CANNOT do this GOD! I CANNOT DO THIS!

God: Chrystianna, Chrystianna. You are right. I have called you to a profession that YOU cannot do. You are right. You ARE weak and feeble. I could have chosen someone who was naturally smarter, and who would not have struggled as much as you feel you have.

HOWEVER, you are forgetting something… You are MINE. I AM with you ALWAYS. I will help you. Let Me ask you this: Chrystianna, am I smart enough to get through intensive care?

Me: Yes, YOU are.

God: Do deep waters overwhelm ME?

Me: No.

God: Does fire burn or consume ME?

Me: Of course not, You are GOD. Nothing is too much for you.

God: So, if I AM with you, and I say that I WILL help you—can ANYTHING that is MY will be TOO MUCH for you?

Me: I guess not…

God: Chrystianna, if this is impossible without MY help, don’t you think it makes sense that I would choose someone who would feel the NEED to turn to ME and TRUST in ME for strength? The sick are the ones that need a doctor. Those that are well do not. If you were perfectly able to do this yourself, why would you seek my help? How much glory would I receive for your success, if you felt that you did it all yourself?

Me: I guess not much… So, basically, you are reminding me that I’m the PERFECT PICK for this calling, because I am so imperfect and needy for Your help. You chose me, because you knew, if I was going to get through this, I would have no choice BUT to trust You.

Okay God. I have nothing to fall back on in myself or other people. No one else can be my strength. YOU are my ONLY hope. I am acutely aware of this fact, now. If you get me through this semester, ALL the glory is YOURS. I can do ALL THINGS through YOU who give me strength. I am choosing to have faith now, that you WILL bring me through.


-----


Then I went to ICU my first day and it went pretty rough. I came back from clinical and found myself wondering how I would ever be able to get through five more weeks. I found myself becoming frustrated with God.

Me: God, I thought You said you would save me. Why did you let me mess up. I told you I wanted to have faith and trust You. I prayed that you would take away my fear of clinical. Now I have MORE REASON to be fearful than before!

God: Chrystianna, when you prayed for me to take away your fear and give you faith, was that really what you meant?

Me: Of course.

God: Chrystianna, you wanted me to take away the situations that caused you fear. You wanted me to give you a sign that you would for sure pass.

Me: Hmmnn… Maybe that is true…

God: If I took away the situations and circumstances that cause you fear and gave you a sign that you would for sure pass—would that ACTUALLY fix your struggle with fear?—would it really enlarge your faith?

Me: I guess not. I guess it would just be ignoring the problems. I would not be less fearful. I would not have more faith.

God: EXACTLY. Unless you have fearful circustances, you will never learn how to NOT fear. Unless you have situations that seem impossible where the end is not spelled out, you will never learn HOW to have faith. Why choose to believe in something, if it’s set in stone fact? That is not faith.

Do not worry. I HEARD your prayer. BELIEVE ME. I am going to ANSWER IT. I am indeed going to use this semester to teach you not to fear, and to enlarge your faith and trust. I know best, daughter. I love you. Everything I do in your life is for a specific purpose.

Hebrews 11:1—Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Romans 8: 24-39

"For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Yes, faith and fear have been the character issues that God has been dealing with in my life. I am still in the middle of it, but I believe God will bring me the rest of the way and He WILL receive the glory!

-Chrystianna