Lord,
I need to get real. Right now. So here goes.
I don't feel like making the effort I need to. I'm tired, drained, and I just don't want to face one more thing. Life is going too fast. Where is the PAUSE button? I wish I could freeze time and reprocess, refocus--just catch up.
I don't know the next step, Father. I find that frustrating. You have given me all this curiosity and all these passions, but I don't know how to utilize them. I know You WILL use them, but the unknowns just drive me bonkers. I don't know WHERE I'm supposed to go. I know where I WANT to be, but is that where You want? Who is to say that You are not testing my faith and my trust? Maybe You want me to deny myself the very things that I desire... Or do you simply want me to be willing to give them up?
Whether I'd like to admit it or not, I have always been a dreamer. I always had this feeling of "destiny". Surely, You had all these big plans for me to accomplish with my life. I have always been the overly zealous type like Peter in the New Testament. An idea pops into my head and I'm ALL on board. I study it out, I get excited and passionate about it for a while.... But then I sort of let it drop because a NEW idea comes along, and the cycle occurs all over again. I end up just doing the regular Joe types of things. Where is my focus? Where is my endurance? I cannot seem to stick to my plans, mainly because I am passionate about everything so, in essence, I might as well be passionate about nothing.
The dreams have been so random:
1. Inner-city ministry
2. Troubled girls ministry
3. Working with foster kids during the phasing out process
4. Enabling people to take care of themselves and prevent disease through educating them (Public Health)
5. Health Economics, Research, and Health journalism
6. Oncology
7. Hospice nursing
8. Pediatric hospice nursing
9. Science teacher
10. Family nurse practitioner
As far as my nursing career, I can see doing all kinds of areas. Intensive care seems like a pretty interesting experience. I suppose it could become boring after a while. I would see quite a lot though.
It is so difficult.
Probably the most frustrating element that prevents me from just choosing an option and running with it is my other conflicting desire that has always been in the back of my mind:
Sometimes I think that all I really want in life is to get married, have kids, and make my FAMILY my life's investment.
Except that everything and everybody in this world seems to scream at me that such ideas are "wasted potential". I could choose to be a somebody. I could do something BIG with this brain I have been given. I could "leave my mark" and better humanity by pursuing a more "challenging" career.
But then I wonder to myself, is parenting really a less challenging or less impactful way to spend a life?
Then I think, well, I could try to do both. Except, I would imagine, that if I tried that, neither endeavor would be done well.
I feel like after a few years, I could say goodbye to nursing and an upwards career and still be perfectly fulfilled. But, that thinking will never truly be socially acceptable. What a waste of an education and potential. But maybe not. Maybe it would still be useful.
I don't know.
I don't know what You want for my life, God. I just know that whatever You want for me is ultimately going to be the BEST choice.
Lord, I know this frustrating time is going to make sense someday. I know it will force me to trust. I have no other choice. I need You. Grant me Your peace and rest as I walk through this uncertain time in my life. Lord, please help me to be faithful and learn exactly what You want me to learn during this time. Make me moldable.
Amen.
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